A huge part of the fight against cancer is mental. Typically, you hear about chemo and surgery, about tests and finding out results, but there usually isn't much emphasis on the psychological process of fighting through your diagnosis and treatment. I know I've been sharing a lot of what my family and I have been going through the past year, so a part of me hesitates to share even more, but I also think it's important for me to be honest and open, because it helps me process everything I'm going through, and I always have the hope that it may help someone else too.
Early last year, through genetic testing, we discovered that I am BRCA II positive. Most simply put, it means that my body is genetically lacking the ability to fight off the every-day attacks of cancer that we are all exposed to. Only 10% of all breast cancer is BRCA I or BRCA II positive, so finding out this information was surprising, and incredibly informative. I was fortunate to find out the "Why" of my breast cancer. But, like most cancer, it is also unfortunate because I still don't know the "How"--was it BPA? Was it food pesticides? Was it an unfortunate cell replication? Was it a little green alien that kidnapped me, injected me with cancer, then erased my memory of the event?
I didn't allow myself time to focus on the question of "How" during treatment. It wasn't until after I had settled back home after radiation, determined to get back to "normal" life that the fear hit. Knowing what I know about my body, what will be the new normal? That fear was deep and dark and for a week I was pulled into it. I laid awake most nights, tossing and turning, envisioning all of the chemicals surrounding myself and my family. I researched like a mad woman.
I read an article about a young woman who was absolutely convinced that changing to a vegan lifestyle has saved her from recurrence. I laid in bed that night, convincing myself that I had to adapt a vegan lifestyle for myself and my family.
And the next morning I convinced myself that I HAD TO STOP obsessing, or I would drive myself (and everyone around me) crazy. I was so wrapped up in how I should be living that I was NOT LIVING.
So, I calmed down, spent the day playing with my week-long neglected children, and refocused.
Part of the problem was that the concept of re-shaping my health was incredibly overwhelming. I didn't feel like I had time to slowly implement changes...it had to be done, NOW! So, during that week of despair, I found myself bouncing from one research topic to the next, drowning in information. Once I stepped back and refocused, I came up with a priority list and started tackling it one item at a time.
Here is what I focused on...
What Goes IN My Body
I love food. I love flavors. I love cooking and baking. I love reading a few food blogs (*shameless plug* check out http://brittanyspantry.com, she's a childhood friend that will make you laugh and drool, hungrily, all at the same time) I love vegetables, and fruit, and carbs, and meat (ummmm...so the vegan thing is definitely on hold!) I basically love all foods...except canned oysters. And canned mushrooms. And organ meats. Luckily, my family shares my tastes, so we were doing a pretty good job of healthy, balanced eating long before cancer became a factor. Tweaking our diet became more of the focus. Organic vs non-organic? This was one of the huge issues I was researching during my dark week. I scared myself silly during that time and decided that we could only eat organic food. I went to the grocery store and bought some organic pears. $5 worth. Do you want to know what $5 worth of organic pears looked like?
Then, I snapped myself out of it and came up with the philosophy I now follow. Due to budget and availability (small town, Minnesota...not the most variety here!) I will purchase organic food as it is available on sale (paying the most attention to dairy and produce), stay mindful of the dirty dozen, and avoid processed foods as much as I am able. This means that we usually have one or two fruits and veggies each week that are organic, and the rest I buy anyway, because getting those nutrients are more important than avoiding food because it isn't organic. I try to make the processed foods we enjoyed (pizza, granola bars, etc.) myself and now make my own mixed seasonings. We have a freezer for stocking up on grass-fed, hormone-free meat and poultry. I try to make my own bread products. I freeze and can produce from our garden. I plan two vegetarian meals per week. I try my best. My focus is now on clean eating and portions. I also believe that variety is key...especially with kids. I make a new recipe at least every two weeks, if not more often.
In addition to my hormone therapy, I take Vitamin D and I try to take a daily multivitamin (it's incredibly hard on my stomach, even with food.) I am a firm believer in getting your nutrients out of the food you eat and not out of pills, but I also know that it's hard to get all of them every day (and even my kids balk at broccoli four times a week!) Our food budget has gone up a bit, but we're making it work.
It's important to note that we're not perfect. My kids (ummm...and their mommy and daddy!) still like the occasional treat of Subway or McDonalds fries. We still eat birthday cake and buffalo chicken dip and jalapeno cheddar kettle chips (that's Brad and Brendan, all the way!), but if I make our every-day eating as healthy as possible, then I don't have to worry about the occasional treat. And I try to stay on top of education, while not being consumed by it. Every side (organic, non-organic, vegetarian, vegan, GMO, non-GMO) has a viewpoint they want to push, and I try to stay mindful of that.
What Goes ON My Body
Due to a combination of my recurrence stats, my need for avoidance of anything that messes with my hormone levels, and my protection of my family, I wanted to do a complete overhaul of all of the products I use around the house and on ourselves. I started the overwhelming job of going through each product and researching each ingredient in each product. Ugh! It was awful (and quite a bit scary!) and then I stumbled upon a well-known website that made me jump up and down, literally. The Environmental Working Group (www.ewg.org) had evaluations on products, research information on chemicals, and even a rating scale for products to use. (*Disclaimer* As with anything in life, there is more than one side to an issue, so I don't blindly follow everything that is published by EWG. But I sure appreciate the information they have available!)
The evaluating of products was one of the largest, most time-consuming jobs I undertook (and continue to work on.) Because of my history with cancer, I had a unique (and urgent) priority system within the products I use. Little-to-no cancer-causing ingredients, little-to-no endocrine disruption (messing with hormones), and little-to-no developmental and reproductive toxic ingredients are at the top of my no-no list. And that's a shocking amount of ingredients, when you start educating yourself.
I didn't think it would be such a huge task. I don't wear much make-up, I don't do much with my hair or use fancy body products, and I'm pretty brand-loyal when it comes to the products I use around the house. But when I really started pulling things out, I was shocked by the amount of products I owned. I started making a list...
I reached three full, front-and-back, college-ruled pages of paper and got tired of listing...so there is probably another full page of products that I just started setting aside. Shocked, I tell you, shocked!
I started slowly, changing over the things that made the biggest difference...laundry soap, body lotion, deodorant, toothpaste, etc. I got rid of basically all of my cleaning products (I use mostly vinegar and water anyway), most cosmetic products, and I've been slowly changing over our hygiene products. It's slow going (as I also cross-reference products on Amazon and Soap.com to see how consumers rank the products) and I also factor in our budget restrictions. I tend to err on the side of caution with products...I'd rather that I be choosy now than look back and wish I would have been more stringent. That said, I'm not perfect, and there is a lot of room for improvement. It's a gradual process, as much as I wish it wasn't.
Exercise and Rest
The balance of these two is actually what has given me the hardest time. I like exercise (especially when you're done with it!) and I LOVE sleep (I think I could win the Guinness Book of World Records title for person to fall asleep the fastest!) But, after a day of chasing kids, making meals, and cleaning up, the desire for sleep usually wins out. And we're not at a point where I can get up early to work out inside...Megan has the ears of a (*something with good ears* a fox?) and wakes up at 6am as it is. Spring, summer and fall aren't really the problems. I typically get the exercise I need while playing outside with the kids, gardening and yard work, and scheduling a morning run in. Winter is my more challenging time. But staying active is a must for me now. There's no I should involved any more. Every single extra pound I have on me increases my recurrence risk. Having the oophorectomy puts me in menopause (where the average woman gains 15-20 pounds) and has a long-lasting negative effect on my bones. And, fighting against every step I take, is the fact that the hormone therapy I will be on for ten years has the lovely side-effect of clinging desperately to the fat molecules I'm trying to get rid of, making it extra-hard to lose weight. So, I've tried my best to kick my excuses to the curb and just do it. Even if it's just for fifteen minutes a day, I get my heart rate up on our elliptical machine and lift hand weights (which also helps my muscles that have been damaged from radiation treatment.) I put in an exercise video (my favorites are Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred and Tae Bo) and try to involve the kids. Again, I'm not perfect, and there are definitely days were I'm not feeling well or we've been running all day and my energy level is zero, but the last thing I want is to some day look back and ask myself "Why didn't I try harder?"
Stay Away From Other Cancer Support Groups
This has been the most surprising thing for me, and I hope I'm not judged harshly for it, but I've found this to be important to my mental health. I'm not ready to be part of a cancer survivor group, because I don't feel like a survivor yet. I'm part of a group on Facebook called Kick Ass Cancer Mamas, and their support has been great. I have my sprinkling of friends and family who have been through similar elements and who I turn to for understanding and information. But I can't do cancer support groups. I tried. Before my double mastectomy I was chatting with some young women who had been diagnosed with breast cancer. They proceeded to be uber-angry about a comment someone had made to one of them about how getting breast reconstruction was an awesome result of having breast cancer. These women were all outraged at the comment, upset about the fact that there is no up-side to cancer, and that it was horrible for anyone to say that. I found myself swept away in their anger, thinking to myself "I've heard that too. Ugh, that makes me so mad!" But here's the thing. I wasn't really that mad. Deep down, I know that the person who made that comment, that someone who accidentally says the wrong thing while searching for the right thing to say, doesn't mean to cause pain or frustration. They're trying. And I didn't want every comment someone made to be in my head, ready to turn to frustration or pain because I experienced it through a group of people that fed on it. Support is fantastic. But I have mine. And I like my happy bubble.
Faith, Kindness and Thankfulness
My life consists of so many blessings, and I try to be mindful of my faith (to support those blessings), kindness (to demonstrate and share those blessings), and thankfulness (to show appreciation for those blessings.) I have been so relieved that my faith has been a major strength for me during this time. You never really know what adversity will do to you...will you raise your fists to heaven? Will you give up your beliefs in despair? Or will you try your best to understand your situation and rely on your faith? In my mind, I always picture the last year as my own personal testament to the poem "Footprints in the Sand" by Mary Stevenson.
I'm the first one to admit that I have a more superficial education in religion. I don't have countless Bible verses memorized. I'm not part of a Bible Study group. And I don't partake in deep, philosophical discussions that poke holes into my religion or the religion of others. I know and understand my Sacraments and Bible lessons from CCD. We pray with our children every night and try to bring up discussion about God and Jesus with them so that they will start to think about their own faith. We go to Sunday School and church and try to stay active in our religious community. We try our best to live our life faithfully, without forcing it upon others. And we're happy with that.
Kindness, to me, is compassion in action. I think that we, as humans, tend to forget how similar we all are, and instead focus too much on our differences. Kindness doesn't mean you have to be walked upon by others. It's a choice. It's an action. It's something the world needs more of.
And Thankfulness is also something the world needs more of. I've tried hard in the last year to be mindful of those I am thankful for. And I'll try hard to continue to be. Because who doesn't want to be appreciated?
Give Myself A Break
I hope you've noticed a trend in the things I say. I am not perfect...not by a long shot. My husband (and sisters!) could share with you that I am not the most cheerful morning person. I am terrible about calling and emailing people. I'm indecisive (...I think I am...I mean, I'm not sure...let me ponder it awhile...) When I'm tired (so, most of the time!) my fuse tends to be on the shorter side. I'm my own unique blend of completely anal planner and procrastinator. I'm a talker, meaning, I don't like bottling things inside...so if I'm frustrated with Brad (just a totally random example!), we're going to talk about it. And I'm a tad on the emotional side (ummm...this past summer I started crying watching The Sword In The Stone with Brendan...at the part where Arthur pulls the sword from the stone. I know...I know...Brendan looked at me like I was insane too. I like to blame it on the chemo!) My point is, that I am absolutely not perfect, and I'm always going to work on those things that aren't the highlights of my personal qualities, but I've also learned to give myself a break. I try my best. And most other people do too.
Balance
This is one of my core beliefs. All things in moderation. I want a healthy balance to my life, and it's something that I continually work at.
One Last Thing...
I just wanted to add that opening up like this is such a complex mix of natural and unnatural for me. I want to acknowledge the things I've learned, and the things I believe...but talking about my weight and workout habits? My family's eating habits? My faith? It sometimes makes me feel a tiny bit exposed. I guess, my main fear is judgement. Judging people is one of my major pet peeves, even though I'm as guilty as the next person. So, please, do not think that because of the choices I have made that I judge the ones you make. I very simply wanted to acknowledge the lessons I am learning. Thank you for letting me share and for being so supportive along this entire journey.
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