Well, that was a seven-day period I hope to never encounter again! Chemo was on Wednesday (okay, that I know I'll have to encounter again!) but it was immediately followed by a slow-moving bought of stomach flu that made it's way through our family. Ugh! Brendan came down with it on Thursday evening, Emily on Saturday evening, Brad on Monday evening, and myself on Tuesday evening. Needless to say, we're watching Megan like a hawk (and SO SORRY Mom and Dad, who both got it as a thank you for babysitting our kids! The dues a Papa and Nona will pay, I tell ya.) I can honestly say that I would rather go through childbirth instead of having this particular stomach flu...at least that was what I was telling myself as I was dry-heaving bile for 6 hours (gross, I know...sorry!)
Anyway, my point is, at times like this, when I'm curled up in my bed in the fetal position, waves of nausea washing over me, trying to think of anything but my next appointment with my toilet (or chemotherapy), I find that your mind can go one of two ways. It can go to the "Poor me...I have cancer AND the stomach flu...God must hate me...blah, blah, blah." Or, it can go the way I focused on...to my blessings.
During these times of complete anti-normalcy, and during the first two weeks when we were just reeling from the news and all of the information we were (or were not) finding out regarding my diagnosis, Brad and I would take time each day to remind ourselves of our blessings...small and large:
Family. We have an amazing one--both immediate and our family of friends. There's nothing like having a strong family around you in times like these. Nothing.
Weather. We're thankful that the weather has cooperated each time we needed to head to the cities. Such a minor thing could have greatly affected us for getting the answers we needed, and it's been a blessing that we haven't had to deal with that yet.
Losing weight. Yep, I'm a girl, and yep, I worry about stuff like that (especially after having three babies!) It was something I was working on before my diagnosis, and while it's definitely not the way I would have chosen, I choose to look at it on the bright side!
You, not having cancer. While it may sound like I'm being a martyr (I'm not!) I am so very thankful that by me having cancer, it makes the percentage of my loved ones so much less to get it themselves.
My kids not having cancer. I can't imagine much worse than having to watch someone I love go through this, but to watch your children go through it...it brings tears to my eyes to even think it. At about 3 am on Wednesday morning I was curled up on the couch trying to watch tv to take my mind off my stomach flu (and avoiding all food commercials!) and a long commercial for St. Jude's came on. I don't know which was worse...the sickness in my heart or the sickness in my stomach while watching those children go through what I'm going through, and worse. I'm so very thankful that I haven't had to go through something like that as a parent, and I pray that I, and you, never have to. Please say a prayer for those children and their families who do have to go through it.
Brad's work. Goldleaf has been amazing in their support of us. Their flexibility in allowing Brad to work away from the office as needed and in the days he randomly needs off has helped bring stability and peace to a situation that could easily be otherwise. We are so very thankful for that.
My marriage. Brad and I have always had a solid marriage, because we work at it...we communicate, we support, we push each other's buttons (Wait, what? Ummm...never mind!), we lean on each other, and we laugh. But I've deep down occasionally wondered what severe adversity would do to us as a couple. It's shown me a deeper appreciation for the amazing man I married, and has brought us closer together than I thought possible.
Education to others. Hopefully the fact that I'm 32 and diagnosed with breast cancer will be a reminder to everyone to be diligent in the care of their own bodies. To me, it's more than self-exams...it's knowing your body and taking care of it. If that helps even one person, it's a blessing.
The understanding of what others go through. I remember when I had Brendan 5 1/2 years ago, my cousin Tracy brought me over a meal. She pulled into our driveway with her four children and sweetly handed me (exhausted and overwhelmed) a beautiful pasta bake, and something clicked in me that said, "Ahhhh....this is why we do unto others." I never knew that a new mom could feel the way I did (did I mention exhausted?!)...and here was a woman with four children helping me, with one child, out. I'll never forget it. And I feel the same way about this cancer diagnosis. Everyone reacts differently, and everyone has their own thoughts and feelings, but now I know what looking your doctor in the eye and receiving that diagnosis feels like, and I know the extreme importance of the support I've received...and I can help others with that knowledge.
A shifting of importances. Yup, money is good. Yes, a beautiful home, a new vehicle, a trendy haircut and outfit can all be important, but staring cancer in the face provides you with a different set of importances. Everyone can have their own. Ours? Faith, family, and having and helping each other. For as long as possible.
Strength. I believe, with all my heart, that everyone has more strength in them than they believe. God provides that. If you had asked me a year ago how I would react to the news I received, I would have said that I (who cries at books, commercials, music, and basically anything sentimental) would turn into a puddle of tears and not move for a week. I surprised myself. And I think you would too.
The power of prayer. I'm learning this, and it's a blessing. The power of prayer is one of those things I always knew...but now I'm seeing it. The one thing I ask is something that Brad's Aunt Dolores shared so well in a card to us. She said, "My Dad (your grandpa) always said it's hard to pray when you're really sick, and that's when you need family and friends to help out by praying for you." I have always found it hard to pray for myself. I thank God for my blessings, and I pray for others, but it always felt so contrite to pray for myself...and I continue to have that problem now. Knowing that there are others praying for me, when I have trouble doing that, means more to me than I can say.
Faith. I have more of a private faith. I don't talk about it a lot with others. And I think that's okay. It's very personal to me, but in the same sense, I can share it verbally with others...I just feel that my words don't do it justice. My faith is deep and constant, and it warms me like this beautiful prayer shawl I wrap around my shoulders. It's a blessing that, given the situation, I feel no need to question my faith or to shake an angry fist at God...but instead feel the same deep and constant presence of God in my life.
The Future:
Looks beautiful.
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