Playing Catch-Up

Yes, I'm still here!  Thank you for all the continued thoughts and prayers, everyone!  Internet access has been spotty, and I haven't had the ability to, reliably, email out or blog.  But my sister, Liz, just left me her laptop for the remainder of my time in the cities, so now I can keep my posts updated on how I'm doing...not that there's much to update on now that I'm doing radiation!

I've been trying very hard to strike the right balance of not getting too detailed and maintaining some privacy for myself and my family.  It's a bit of a difficult thing to do sometimes, as I feel strongly that I want to share my journey, in the tri-fold hopes that my words and experience can help anyone else going through this or who wants to understand the process; the fact that it's meditative and therapeutic for me to canvas my thoughts, experiences, and feelings about all that I'm going through, and the simple fact that it's a record of me in case something happens.

Before I started radiation we found out some news.  And, to be honest, I've been struggling with it a little bit (although, in very passive ways) and I couldn't figure out why.  Late last night, while I was praying, I figured it out.  There's something about writing about everything, in an open and honest way, that helps me.  Sitting here, able to express to an empty room...and to everyone...what I'm feeling is so good for my mind and my soul...like a downpour over a muddy vehicle.  It's cleansing.  It may not make me 100% clean...but it sure makes me more presentable so I can put a few more miles on!

Back to the news we found out before radiation...at my last appointment with my Oncologist I was informed about my updated pathology after surgery.  My cancer was farther along than we originally thought.  Instead of an over-estimated 6 cm tumor, I actually had a 8-10 cm tumor.  Does that make a difference?  Yep.  It does.  It simply means that the cancer in my body had a lot more time to metastasize and spread systemically than we originally thought.  The other side of the sword is that my tumor didn't respond as well as hoped to chemotherapy.  The good news is that it did respond (obviously, as we could feel it getting smaller) but picture a sponge...where there are patchy holes.  That's what my post-treated tumor looked like, instead of complete shrinkage.  Obviously, the good news is that it's gone (see you later, alligator!) and we're blasting the area with radiation to kill any possible cells left behind.  The bad news is that the combined effects of my cancer being more progressive and the chemo doing a patchy job pushes my cure rate (aka: survival percentage) from the mid 80's to 50%.

It's just a number, but it hit me hard.  Nobody wants to stare that number in the face (unless you're sitting with a lower percentage, I suppose.  See...there are always things to be grateful for!)  But it took my husband (who is typically a tad more on the "glass half empty" side) saying to me (who is typically a huge jump into the "glass half full" side) reminding me that's it just a number, and that it could be worse.  Much worse.  And he's absolutely right.  It is just a number.  It doesn't change if I'm meant to survive or not...and it doesn't change who I am.

I'm not sharing this to create drama.  I'm not searching out sympathy.  That tri-fold of reasons why I share what I'm going through?  Those are the reasons.  And, thanks to my loving and steadfast husband, kiddos who daily remind me of God's love, and incredibly supportive family and friends...I'm good.

I'll be working the next few weeks on going back and posting some updates on things we've been up to...we've been staying busy and have been having lots of fun!

The Future:
Looks Beautiful!